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30 (or so) Day”Do or Die” Challenge, Day 1

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“I see dead people.”
~Telly Savalas

Dear your name here,
Thank you for visiting The Screaming Turkey and becoming a part of our thriving motivational community! When I created this brilliant, insightful challenge, I had no idea that there would be so many desperate individuals out there thirstily lapping up the wise nectar of my words. But there are, and it’s happening!
For the next 30 (or so) days we’re going to turn you into some kind of social self-help pariah. Be sure to tell your friends all about everything you’re doing and share every minute. That’s how I make the most cash.
We’re going to take a long hard look at your sad life, warts and all (mostly warts), and transform you into a rich, beautiful bright center of the universe.
Say yes!
Starting today, you’re going to start conquering the world… and getting back at your stupid ex who still owes you money.
How?
It’s easy. So easy that you should have started back in high school instead of sleeping through shop class.
You’ve already done the hard part – which is to realize that it’s time for a change. It’s time to stop fretting about what you don’t have and all of the time that you’ve wasted, and start living for the future. It’s also a good time to crack that last beer in your fridge.
All you need is an open mind.
Do you sometimes feel like a dear caught in headlights? Do you live like your life is sleeping in a tent on the train tracks, and that loud bell is dinging but you’re just too lazy to shift your fat ass to the left or the right? Do you feel like you haven’t achieved all of your potential and thought, “Hey, I need a 30-foot boat with a little cabin in it, but I can’t afford one”?
Maybe you’re not a boat person, but you should be. Boats are awesome.
Your problem is not only that you don’t like boats, but that you’re missing your chances. You are not succeeding where you want, that is why you are here. You want success. That is what The Screaming Turkey is here to help you with.
If you want to change your life for the better, join our Facepalm, I mean Facebook group for this free, inspiring, life-changing 30 (or so) day challenge. Join our warm, loving community of shape-shifting reptilians for daily inspiration and advice… daily assignments… daily work… what a pain in the ass.

Change your mind. Change your life. Join our free course. It’s free.

1. Step 1: Join our Facebook group. Write your introduction. Don’t skip on the juicy details, but please for the love of Christ make it interesting and not a bunch of “blah blah blah”.
2. Take a look around you. Ask yourself, “What in the hell have I been doing all these years?”
3. Think about the good things that you have going on in your life right now. Cherish those few, small, positive things. Hold onto them. Spend at least $50 for a good bike lock.

I’d like to end here

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There is a funny feeling you get when you realize that you started something and it’s not going anywhere. It’s time to lose it. Get rid of it.

Should you separate yourself from it? Should you own it? Was it a mistake?

Silly?
Yes.
Creative?
Maybe.
Worthwhile?
Maybe, for a minute or two, but not as many minutes as you spent.
Half-hearted effort?
Yes, unfortunately.

This page is coming down.

– J

How to Vlog like Screaming Turkey

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With nearly 22 subscribers and an uncanny ability for locating lost battery chargers, Screaming Turkey (also known as J. Ozawa), is set to turn Istanbul and the internets into his personal petting zoo. As his name implies, this filmmaker’s voice is much to loud to ignore.

How can we approach this new phenomena, this force of nature? With reverence and patience, of course. And bus fare.

The Equipment:
His filmmaking arsenal is nothing to scoff at. Of his five SD cards, only one of them contains corrupt files that cannot be erased or retrieved.

“I’m really lucky to have this camera,” says J. appreciatively of his Samsung SMX-C10 Memory Camcorder, “I got it for Christmas in 2006. It’s practically an antique. Plus, it’s really pretty.”

Other equipment includes and iPhone 4 and two Nikon COOLPIX cameras, one of which actually belongs to his 3-year-old son:
“Callen is very generous with his camera and lets me use it almost whenever I want,” says Ozawa, “In kindergarten, he’s learning to share.”

He also uses two mini tripods that he found at a discount shop, one of which is “bendy and cool”.

His Style

Usually, the videos begin with a stunningly rendered 7 or 8 second intro and outro segment, normally backed by free YouTube music. Sometimes he uses a few seconds of footage of Istanbul street cats, cars, or random garbage.

“I really don’t care about what I put there,” says Ozawa. “Seriously. I don’t.”

Most of the actual videos are of Ozawa’s speed drawing a horrible looking cartoon face. The more horrible, the better, he says. Sometimes he draws to relax, and the idea to create videos of his drawings occurred to him when he noticed people creepily looking over his shoulder while he doodled. That way, he says, people can watch him draw and he won’t have to hear their disgusting nose whistle breathing next to his ear.

Other videos, the ones that he prefers to spend more time on, are of him and his son going to the park and riding skateboards or bicycles around their home on Istanbul’s Asian side.

“One time we made a video of us eating hamburgers. It got no views. Not even my own mother would watch something that dull,” says Ozawa, “It was awesome because my son actually finished his food.”

The Creative Side
Ozawa uses the YouTube editor for most of his work, although he sometimes uses the iMovie software on his iPad.
“I bounce the videos back and forth because of the limited functionality of both editors. Sometimes I use the YouTube editor for making a timelapse, then upload the film onto my iTunes account to add music. I got permission from some good people to use their music, but for the sake of expediency, I usually use the YouTube music or no music at all. Once though, I made a whole video culled from creative commons clips on YouTube and free music. I thought it would make me the next Pewdipie.”

While it’s probaby tempting to want to move to Istanbul to steal his style and be just like him, it’s not a good idea.
“You’d go hungry. You’d just be very sad and hungry.”

Although he typically spends an hour for every five minutes of film that he puts on the internet, his YouTube earnings wouldn’t even be enough to buy the electricity to watch one of his videos.

“I can’t believe how much time I waste on this. My wife is really mad at me,” says Ozawa.

“I have to go now and hang up some laundry.”

Frightened Fellow

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This fellow looks a little frightened. To tell you the truth, I have no idea why… but the picture made me laugh.

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know how he would look when it was finished. As usual, I just follow the lines and let it go until I have a horrible looking picture to share with unsuspecting passers by!

So gaze deeply into the horrified, abysmal eyes of this poor soul!

Enjoy!

Dogsitting

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15 Days to Freedom Day 3
Istanbul, 1981

Dear Zissy,

I’ve found a problem with my system for productivity. I haven’t done anything since 1979, and it took me nearly fifteen minutes to find a pen to write to you with.
It was in the refrigerator.

Edmund tells me that I need to find meaningful work, but his situation is similar to mine except that he seems to enjoy himself more. He he’s been trying to create games to play in the yard. He spends hours outside with balls and sticks and clubs, hanging nets from the trees, stringing ropes across the garden, and filling his ‘rulebook’ with undescipherable gibberish.

His obsession with creating the perfect backyard game gave me an idea as well.

It started with one neighborhood dog, which I spotted in our yard. When I went to shoo him out, he hunched back and made his mess right in the middle of Edmund’s grid, between what Edmund was calling ‘the hook line’ and ‘the guardian line’.

With a single piece of chicken, I was able to entice three more mutts into our yard to do their business on Edmund’s playing field. Suddenly, my idea began to solidify and take shape.

When Edmund returned from the hardware store carrying what he planned to use to create a new kind of sports equipment, I left the house through the front door with a stack of flyers for my new dogsitting service.

Over the next week, I had as my clients all of the biggest, meanest animals I could find with which to mess up Edmund’s pitch.

Unfortunately, Edmund is allergic to dogs, so he was not very keen on my little joke. So, I took down my flyers and returned all of the animals to their owners. Then I used the money that I had made with my dogsitting business and bought bags of manure from the local horse farm.
Well, I am sorry Zissy, but I need to finish this letter soon. This pen is running out of ink and I’m unable to find another one.

Please come and visit us at the cottage sometime. We’ll have a cookout in the back yard.

Regards,

J. Ozawa

I’ll scour the bazaars for useless trinkets to sell

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Day 2
Istanbul, 1975

Dearest Zissy,

I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the bad news: I’m going to be in Istanbul for a long time unless I can figure a way out. The good news is that Edmund is enjoying his new bald pate. I was concerned that it would take much longer for him to forgive me for that little stunt, but I explained to him that it was merely a performance piece.

Horace is growing up quickly. He’ll be three years old in a couple of days. The other day he figured out how to turn on the vaccuum cleaner to blow balloons across the room.

Clever little man.

Anyway, back to the business of this letter. I’ve undertaken a 15 Day challenge in experiential living during which I’ll redefine myself and emerge a new man at the end.

This morning I had my juice and dry toast as promised, followed by coffee and simit with cream cheese.

I took a stroll by the seaside in Kadikoy and watched some ferries go by like some kind broken-hearted sissyboy. I write this because there were in fact no fewer than five broken-hearted sissyboys within ten meters of me. I asked them to make sure. Broken hearts are somehow drawn to that place like flies would be to a honeyed turd.

I’ll take my strolls elsewhere, thank you very much.

For the second day of the challenge, I’m required to define some actions necessary to achieving my goal, which is of course to become unstuck from this place and to never be so stuck again.
To that end, I’ll need to rely on the Turkish post office, that one-armed trapeeze artist of an institution, and the bazaars.

I’ll vow to master the ropes and misplace my trust within 24 hours.

Until then, I’ll leave you with this lovely picture of Edmund’s mother.

Sincerely,
J. Ozawa

Dry toast, juice, and rigorous kinesthetics

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15 Days to Freedom Blog Challenge Day 1
Istantul, 1968

 Dearest Zissy,
There’s a silent pall over the cottage these days. Since the death of Edmund’s television, that is. Now the poor old fruit just sits in his corner of the kitchen and drinks wine. He starts at around noon, when his stomach has sufficiently recovered from the previous night’s abuse. Then at around three, he sweetly asks me to go to the butcher or the bread shop, and, “Oh, by the way, if I could pick up a bottle of wine or two for our evening meal…”

Our home has become so littered with discarded corks and clanking bottles that I actually miss the squawking thing. The bakelite shell of the thing is still there on the floor of our living room where I kicked it off of the table. I’ve been told not to touch it, which is comical to me as I was never permitted to touch it in the first place.

In fact, I only ever touched it once, and that was with my foot.

Now it is a cruel monument to remind him that he will either need to pay attention to his life or go further into the bottle. He’s choosing the latter.

Nevermind. Better seen and not heard.

You might wonder what makes me so callous towards someone as nice as Edmund, or what caused me to destroy an innocent piece of household equipment. It would be difficult to try and explain because I simply can’t – except to say that I would like for us to live more experientially and outside of that small rectangle of white noise, which I believe is mostly responsible for keeping us indoors and away from the company of others.

While arguing this point with Edmund, our conversation became a pitched battle for idealogical dominance in our small home, with both sides slurring their words into nonsensical alphabet soup until we almost came to blows over whether or not we should listen to the radio more, ride bicycles or use cars, use organc soap or meditate, and get matching tattoos, and so on.
I’m only glad that there is no record of that evening’s conversation except for that unfortunate television.

So that is how it happened.

Today is the first day of what I’m calling my experiment in experiential living.
The house is silent. I’ve made amends with my friend. I’m having a nice breakfast.

God bless us all, every one of us.

-J. Ozawa